歧義

2011/06/05

Pain as an unwanted gift

Filed under: Feel,feeling sick...,female perspective,Live — pinksealife @ 16:28

Since the age of 12, I have been undergoing a learning process, that makes me learn how to be a witness of the pain inside my body.  It is a regular process where pain is completely taking over of me: the cramp, the numb, the cold sweats, the meaningless vomitting, the shaking limbs, and the shallow breathing.

Every time, I felt the proximity of death without its arrival; afterward, the two loci divert again, with mine moving towards the radiating sun of life and vibrancy, and death towards the universe of the unknown.

The most terrible of all in life is eternal pain with no end, and the greatest bless of all is decay of a fulfilled life without any muted struggle in pain.

When my life starts to decay, I may become less responsive to what is happening around me; later, I may shut my eyes, relying more on my hearing, and focus more on what is happening within me.  I may eat less, as there is no more need for outreach; I can’t go wherever I want as before.  It takes a long time before I gear up to move to one particular place for top necessity.  At the final stage, necessity become a more refined term to me.  I become a witness to myself; others witness my everything.  My painful face and body is always there; people come and go; my pride and dignity is discounted, I open for care like a baby.  Finally, breathing becomes the only life.  Finally, will determine whether I will stay or be taken away.

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